Wang Danhua
435 Clementi Ave 3
#10-204
Singapore 120435
Phone no.90923601
U0602663@nus.edu.sg
September 6, 2009
Dr Oliver Chen
Program Director
Risk Management Institute
21 Heng Mui Keng Terrace Level 4
Singapore 119613
National University of Singapore
Dear Dr Chen,
I am interested in applying for the RMI Research Internship Program listed from the RMI website.
As a statistics major student, I have strong interest in finance, and hence took a minor in financial mathematics. After finished the entire minor courses in my second year, I am now also taking statistical courses related to finance. Therefore, I have confidence to handle works related to your research projects.
I am sure that I can get used to the work environment very fast. I am willing to learn, and can learn fast. I like things to be way ahead of schedule, thus I always finish my work earlier than expected. My personality also involves face every difficulty in life optimistically, willing to help people, willing to accept advices. Having these good tempers help me to improve myself from day to day.
I will be an asset to your program, and this internship would provide me the ideal opportunity to expand my research skills. Hope I can meet you soon in the future.
Thank you in advance for your consideration and time.
Sincerely,
Wang Danhua
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Hi Danhua,
ReplyDeleteIn my humble opinion, try to avoid "I'm sure.." as it sounds a bit arrogant.
I have to apologize that I dont really understand this sentence: "My personality also involves face every difficulty in life optimistically,..". Please enlighten me on this one as this sentence is quite important for your letter, i suppose.
Also, there are some errors here and there. Example, the misuse of a, an and the--an ideal opportunity. So do spend more time on proofreading.
In my humble opinion again, i found that you have sell yourself too much and , stand from the point of view as a boss, make me think that you are an "empty vessel".
Do correct me if you think i'm wrong or you have different point of view.
Cheers,
Ryan
Hi again,
ReplyDeleteI also think that the format of your "addresses" is a bit awkward. I suppose it should be:
...
435 Clementi Ave 3 #10-204
Singapore 120435
and without the all the commas.
Correct me if i'm wrong.
Cheers again,
Ryan
Hi Danhua
ReplyDeleteI feel that your format at writing your name and address seems to be incorrect. Instead of writing
Wang Danhua
Phone no.90923601
U0602663@nus.edu.sg
435 Clementi Ave 3, #10-204, Singapore,120435
,I suggest you write firstly your name, followed by your address and lastly your contact and e-mail which is the same format as what you wrote for your interviewer name and address. Also I think you should put your address in different sentence for example,
435 Clementi Ave 3
#10-204
Singapore 120435
instead of clumping all of it in one sentence. Guide me if I am wrong.
Next, I feel that you could elaborate more on the courses you took and how it can helps in their research project.
Thanks
Eileen
Hi Eileen,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your suggestion, I forgot to correct it last time....
Hi, guys, I have corrected my incorrect address format...thanks for your suggestions.
ReplyDeleteDear Dan Hua,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the hard work put in.
If I may, A few suggestions:
“I have confidence to handle works...” perhaps can be changed to “I have confidence in handling work... “.
To make the letter more concise and clear, maybe you can omit the word “fast” in the 2nd sentence of the 3rd paragraph. I suggest changing it “motivated fast learner” to show your willingness and the ability to learn things fast together.
Also, I think you’ve meant to say “My motto in life is to face every difficulty optimistically” instead of “My personality also involves face every difficulty in life optimistically”.
I like the ideas that you’ve tried to include to show your eagerness and timely traits, but instead of saying “I like things to be way ahead of schedule, thus I always finish my work earlier than expected.”, perhaps you can change it to “I like to keep ahead of schedule and finish my work before the datelines.”. I think it is also good to explain why this is a desirable traits and what value it adds to the research work.
It makes reading easier with a “with” at “...this internship will provide me (with) the ideal...”.
Then again, in the appreciation, you might want to remove the “in advance”.
Lastly, contrary to what Ryan said, I am sure adding “I’m sure...” does not sound arrogant. However, you can use words such as “convinced” or “certain” as “sure” sounds informal? Just a feeling.
Hee...
Yours always,
Wei Hong.
Hi Wei Hong,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the enlightening!
Best regards,
Ryan